Hello, flock! Today, in Jesus’ Carpentry Corner, we will be making a bearable cross!

I was very disapointed with the Jews for nailing me to that substandard cross. It had almost no amenities and was cheaply and hastily constructed, without concern for either comfort or aesthetics. I even got a few splinters in my ass!

That is about to change. Today I will show you the proper construction of the Deluxe Jesusmaster 4000. This cross has all of the perks and benefits of a five-star hotel with the convenience of a portable crucifixion device. What savior wouldn’t want to be condemned to death while luxuriating on this wonderful death trap?

First, select some quality boards. I prefer Spanish Cedar, buy you can substitute any premium wood of your choice. Remember, don’t skimp on this part because these initial planks do most of the loadbearing work.

Next, you will want to attach a drink holder to the horizontal plank, using three 1/4″ wood screws. Remember to pre-drill your holes so that you won’t split the wood.

After the drink holder is securely fastened, locate a quality reading light to attach to the top of the vertical plank. The key here is battery operation, since there usually is not an outlet located near the crucifixion. You don’t know how boring and long the crucifixion process can be, so having a reading light will help pass the time as you catch up on the latest gossip or soduku puzzle.

Finally, add a premium foot bath. Invigorating bubble massages are so vital to rejuvenate tired feet and provide a relaxing massage. You will probably be forced to carry the entire cross to its destination, so you will be glad this luxury has not been overlooked.

Well, there you have it. You will look forward to your crucifixion with these added niceties. Kick back and enjoy!