The virulently homophobic Westboro Baptist Church (WBC), based in Topeka, Kansas, has gained notoriety by picketing the funerals of U.S. soldiers killed in Iraq and Afghanistan to protest what the group sees as America’s acceptance of homosexuality. The group has used this and similar tactics at a variety of events nationwide.

I can’t understand why these good folks are so upset about gay people. I guess when I think about it, my dad had a lot to do with their homophobic attitudes. Dad hates gays, but most people don’t know the real reason why God is a homophobe.

It all started in the Garden of Eden when God was kicking back and creating the first two humans, Eve and Humphrey. It turns out that without that extra rib, Humphrey swaggered around the Tree of Life a bit like those delicious dancers in the Pussycat Club on fifth avenue and was just too irresistable to miss. Just as my dad got his courage up and was about to approach Humphrey to ask him to go squaredancing, the devil walks in.

“Who invited you”, said God.

“Nobody. I just thought I’d drop by and see how things are hanging in this part of the univer– Hold on! What is that lovely creature over there?”

“That’s Eve”, my dad said, “she gets about sixteen miles to the apple and can drink me under the table.”

“No, not that one. THAT one!”, said Satan, motioning over toward the tree, where Humphrey was entwined with some low-hanging branches.

“That is none of your business. Don’t you have anything else to do?”, quipped God.

“Yes, I think I just found my date to the Fireman’s Bull and Oyster Roast!”, laughed Lucifer, ignoring the irritation and impatience of God.

Well, let’s just say that the day didn’t end well. Humphrey accepted the devil’s invitation and the two made a perfect couple. Satan was so smitten with Humphrey that he gave him dominion over masturbation and gambling, two of Satan’s favorite vices.

After that, God was hell-bent on throwing out disparaging remarks and put-downs about gay people to anyone who would listen. I guess it was lucky for him that some religious wackos wrote it all down in their personal diaries that later got transcribed into the Bible. Despite his hatred toward gay people, I think that deep down God has a sweet spot for them all.

But until he admits that his loins are loose and moist for the masculine sex, my dad uses preacher Phelps and his ragtag bunch of cretins at the Westboro Baptist Church to perpetuate his bitter resentment toward Humphrey and his lover.